There are numerous articles and studies that show that women, in general, are less self-confident than men. Okay, but the problem is this: to be successful, trust matters as much as competence.

I attended a panel discussion last week on this topic. The room was filled with more than 90 women of different professions, ages, and educational levels. The panel consisted of a high-tech director, the CIO of a major healthcare conglomerate, the recruiting manager of a large retail company, and a highly successful young entrepreneur. Three were women and one was a man. The moderator was a man. It was fascinating. What I got from the discussion and the questions asked and the discussions with other attendees after the discussion was a message. The message was how to deal with the current standard of favoring men and for women to basically stop being full of doubts. Examples were shared that were inspiring. It was not what was said that I found disturbing, but what was not said at all.

What wasn’t addressed is what I think is critical to the future of women’s success, closing the gender gap and getting the brilliant contribution of women recognized around the world. What we need to talk about is how to change the conversation in the world in such a way that the gender gap is a thing of the past. I don’t know how to do this myself, but it’s clear to me that when women come together and figure out how to close the gender gap and then start taking action, it will be done. I think one of the keys is to make women, as individuals, take ownership of raising their own confidence.

Working with thousands of women, I know that many suffer from diminished self-confidence. Self-confidence and the assault on our individual self-confidence is a complex conversation. Almost always, there are a series of moments throughout our lives where we try something, fail, and someone said something that we turn into a ‘life sentence’ about who we are or our relationship to failure. Whatever we decide and condemn ourselves to has a long-term impact on our self-confidence. This seems logical to most people, but often cannot be seen. It’s like water for fishing: when you’re swimming in it, you don’t know you’re in the water. The same for us, when we lack confidence.

I want to give you a couple of quick steps to see if you can see your own “doubt water”:

1. Keep a notebook or app with you and when you find yourself doubting or second-guessing yourself, see if you can see what you are saying to yourself or to others.

2. After doing this for 3 days, see if you can find the common theme or thing it says.

3. See if you can remember when you started saying that. (like once something happened and you made up your mind and started saying whatever it is you say when there’s self-doubt).

4. Ask yourself, who said that or who decided that?

5. Since you decided or said what you said, ask yourself if it is empowering you. And of course, it is not.

6. Invent something else.

This is what I want you to know: you are the author of your own doubts. You can be the author to increase your confidence.