Narcissistic mothers and enabling fathers

When kids don’t stand a chance

Narcissistic mothers don’t have children for the right reasons. They are not nurses. They have no maternal instinct or genuine love to give. To the narcissistic mother, children represent a captive narcissistic supply. Because the survival of a young child is in her hands, she expects to be the number one object of her complete adoration. She discounts the fact that children have needs, anticipating that the constant stream of narcissistic supply she will receive in return will be the perfect trade-off.

The narcissistic mother does not imagine that her children will be separate entities with needs of their own. But children have individual needs, and those needs can be very demanding for any mother. They are especially overwhelming for a narcissistic mother who now finds that she is giving more than she is receiving. That’s not what she expected.

The narcissistic mother becomes resentful of her children and their need. This resentment intensifies her already natural tendency toward abusive behavior. Someone will have to pay for her unfortunate situation. Her innocent children are her possessions, so she can do with them as she pleases. What she likes is to use them as scapegoats for everything that makes her feel unhappy or frustrated.

Any attempt by the boys to question her, defend themselves, or express their needs is met with a terrifying narcissistic rage. Over time, with the same results every time they challenge her in some way, the children learn that they must follow her rules. They are intimidated into silence by fear.

Where is the father while all this is going on? What is she doing with the abuse she sees her children suffer at the hands of his mother? Logic tells us, given the circumstances, that children must depend on their father for their emotional well-being. Surely someone has to love them, protect them and advocate for them. A father, the protector of the family, would certainly not sit idly by and allow his children to suffer abuse.

That’s what logic tells us, but it rarely works that way when NPD is involved. A strong man with boundaries and high self-esteem would have walked away from this crazy woman long ago and hopefully taken her children with him.

But a strong man with healthy boundaries and high self-esteem wouldn’t be with this type of woman in the first place. If he somehow allowed himself to be courted by her cunning and manipulative ways and her false personality (as others do so easily), and then made the mistake of marrying her, he certainly would not have stayed in the marriage for a long time.

Narcissists prey on the weak; those who believe they can intimidate and manipulate. Men who marry narcissistic women and stay have masochistic tendencies along with low self-esteem, a pattern of abuse in their lives, seek to fill the shoes of lost love or a mother they didn’t have, are codependent, or have a personality disorder. just like she does. There is always a deficiency of some kind.

A man who has everything would not submit to the dehumanization, castration, objectification, or unpredictable rage of a narcissistic woman. He would never accept the role of perpetual victim; someone who believes he doesn’t deserve it and is guilty of whatever his NPD wife chooses to blame him for.

A man who wants his marriage to a narcissistic wife to survive must worship the ground she walks on; he tell her everything she wants to hear. He must tell her how beautiful she is, how perfect she is, how superior she is, and how right she is about whatever point of view he takes. He must deny the importance of her own wants and needs in order to please her.

Narcissistic wives control their husbands like puppet masters. They use anger and withdrawal from love or sex to keep themselves in check. They can make these men’s lives hell if they want, and then make the men think they deserve it all. They keep their husbands alert with confusion. These submissive husbands become dependent on their wives to tell them what is true and what is false, what is right and what is wrong, what is allowed and what is forbidden.

By the time children enter the picture, it has long been established that the husband’s survival in the relationship depends on his allowing his wife to be abused.

Men who marry narcissistic women and stay with them are not strong father material. They become unscrupulous jellyfish who will do anything to keep the peace with their wives, even if it means having to sacrifice the well-being of their children. Wives always come first; these parents make it very clear to their children.

The father also becomes a target for the mother’s abuse tactics. She bullies him into doing her dirty work so she can remain innocent of the abuse forever. If he doles out her abuse for her, she may deny having anything to do with it. She is teflon, she never sticks to anything.

Their father’s behavior makes no sense to his children. They wonder, “How can Dad be so loyal to someone who treats him so badly? Why doesn’t Dad ever stand up to her?” Helplessly witnessing their father’s scorn and emasculation is highly damaging to children’s emotional well-being, as is direct narcissistic abuse from their mother.

Children raised in a family like this have no chance of emotionally healthy development. They have no emotional security. Their lives are completely unstable. They constantly live in a chaotic and unpredictable environment. These children can never rely on any emotional consistency; therefore, he lives in a constant state of fear. They are forced to take on roles that are inappropriate for their age in an effort to establish a sense of calm.

No one steps in to help these children because no one on the outside recognizes what is happening at home. Narcissistic mothers present a perfect family to the outside world. Everyone who watches from the outside sees his mother and father as wonderful people. Those outside the immediate family never see what goes on behind closed doors.

The narcissistic mother demands total loyalty. The mother reinforces the children over and over again never to talk about the private matters of their family. Any semblance of love doled out by her is immediately withdrawn every time the children step a toe over the line. They would not dare to embarrass their mother, so they must internalize all their feelings.

Children with narcissistic mothers and empowering fathers are emotionally neglected and abused from a very young age. They have no one to defend them. They are prepared for a life of misery; insecurity, low self-esteem, depression, anxiety, fear, anger issues, boundary issues, codependency, and painful adult relationships. Sometimes the chemical balance of their brains is even upset, making the abuse nearly impossible to overcome in later years without counseling, therapy, or medication.

Children raised in an environment like this grow up without healthy coping or problem-solving skills. They have to build protective walls within themselves for their emotional survival. The most basic challenges in life are met with confusion, fear, isolation, anger, or substance abuse. Their lives turn into disasters.

It is difficult for adult children who grew up in these types of homes to recognize the root of their problems. They have led very painful lives and often do not understand why. They find it very difficult to see the abuse for what it was and what it still can be. They hear of children being brutally beaten and feel guilty for comparing their pain to that of these victims. Emotional abuse seems to pale in comparison to physical abuse, in the minds of many. But that is definitely not the case.

Unlike physical abuse, narcissistic abuse is subtle. These abusers deliberately keep their victims confused about the reality of what is going on, so it seems that victims can never identify the source of their pain. Narcissists play mind games. They deny everything they have done. Children (adults) can never confront their parents and get an admission, validation, or apology.

It’s twice as frustrating when the other parent takes the exact same stand and defends the NPD parent, or when the therapist we go to or our friends blame us for creating the problem in the first place. That drives us crazy; it makes us doubt the validity and severity of our pain.

That is why, as adult children of narcissistic parents, we must stick together. We must support each other because no one else will understand. And most importantly we must get professional help. We cannot recover without him.