Last night, when I got back from work, I made dinner as usual. I carried my three-year-old daughter’s dinner into the living room and stopped dead. There was a pile of dirt on the coffee table and Rebecca was sitting across from it drawing paths in the dirt.

“REBECA!” I screamed. “Where did you get that dirt?”

“From the fireplace,” he said calmly.

Later, he offered to help me with the dishes. Halfway through the pile, she began to nonchalantly pour water on the ground. Then when we tried to clean up she screamed inconsolably that the rag was too big. He wanted a particular rag.

Is my son psychotic? you ask. No. She’s just a three-year-old girl.

Everyone has heard of the terrible twos, but I maintain that the turbulent threes are ten times worse. From whining to screaming to creative destruction, I have to be on my toes twenty-four hours a day.

Other moms agree. “All the horror stories I heard about two-year-olds were nothing compared to what I’m going through now,” says Karen, a twenty-five-year-old mother. “Have you ever tried to tell a three-year-old it’s time to go and they can’t finish watching her favorite show?”

Nancy agrees. “Or that she can’t wear a plaid shirt with striped pants.”

More than one mother of older children I spoke to smiled and murmured, “I remember three.”

If I were to pick one word to describe a typical three year old, it would be “active.” (My husband comments that he would choose the word “hurricane”). From the age of two, children are always on the move, but as they reach three years of age, their coordination improves and they have more freedom of movement. They are continually eager to explore the world around them. The three-year-old can run, climb, dance, and jump, and he doesn’t seem to be able to keep up with the pace he’s anxiously trying to keep up with. He excites them to learn new things and is more independent, striving to dress themselves, brush their teeth, or retrieve their own drinks. Life is fascinating and challenging.

On one occasion, I asked Rebecca to close her eyes and go to sleep. “I don’t want to close my eyes. I want to keep them open!” she protested. The three-year-old wants to absorb all the news and wonder around him as quickly as possible. He is often heard asking who? where? when? why?

The three-year-old likes to be together. They want to include others in almost everything they do. They have elaborate fantasies and enjoy listening to and telling stories. Some have imaginary playmates. They are learning to play with other children, but most of all they enjoy being with their mother. This can go as far as insisting on getting the mother’s full attention for extended periods of time.

The three-year-old has a distorted perception of time. “I tried to explain to my son that we would be back in less than an hour, but that was beyond his comprehension,” says Nancy. She is absolutely right. A child of this age does not understand time and can be heard saying “last week” or “last year” for yesterday. It’s hard for a three-year-old to wait in line or wait a long time for what he wants.

Keeping up with them requires boundless energy and patience, especially since the three-year-old is still learning to control anger and aggression. They will test parents to the point of reacting, and it is important not to reward this type of behavior. One mother suggests sending the toddler to the tantrum corner, where she can stomp for as long as she wants, but she has to wait until she leaves the room. This takes the fun out of trying to provoke a reaction.

It is around the age of three and a half when the real challenges begin. It is a turbulent and convulsive age where the main concern of a child is to strengthen his will. He seems to rebel against whatever his parents want. He really isn’t your enemy. He is undergoing will tests because that is his job at this age, and for no other reason. It’s easy to get carried away with anger and be reactive. Say yes whenever you can and save no for when you mean it. At any age, when a child is trying to rebel, a good rule of thumb is to strive to catch the child doing something good. The three-year-old loves praise for new achievements. “Look what I can do!” they emit

Although communication skills are improving, they are still imperfect. Approximately 75-80% of your speech is understandable. They enjoy repeating words and sounds, such as nursery rhymes or songs like “London Bridge” or “Old MacDonald Had a Farm.” They also like to hear the same stories told over and over again, and can recite the words from some picture books.

Times when its exact meaning is not communicated can create frustration and tantrums. A tantrum can be thought of as a blown emotional fuse caused by an overload of frustration. It can be downright scary for a child. All children are individuals, and some are more reactive than others and more prone to violent outbursts. A screaming child is frustrated because he is trying and still not succeeding. His efforts are to be applauded. When a child is out of control, hold him gently but firmly. Distract her and direct her to a different activity. Encourage her to help with chores. Keep in mind that the attention span of a three-year-old is about three minutes. Above all, stay in control of your own emotions.

It is important to choose your battles. Know your own expectations and limits. For some mothers, having a child pick up after her is a top priority. For others, battles are reserved for things like getting out on time, bathing, or going to bed. Some days it seems like nothing but turmoil, and to add fuel to the fire, well-meaning friends and relatives are often judgmental and sure they have all the answers, especially those without children. Parents of children with a quiet or mild personality are quick to judge parents of more active and strong-willed children. Remember that no one knows your child like you do. All children are individuals, and there is no expert in the world who has dealt with every problem or every personality.

Learn to trust yourself more than anyone else in the world. The age of three can be difficult and exhausting, but it’s just a stage and once it passes, a beautiful butterfly will emerge.

It’s late and I’ve worked all day at my day job. I’ve done chores, I’ve tried to shower Rebecca with attention, but like a typical three-year-old, she keeps asking for more. We have built blocks, made brownies, colored, read stories. Now I’m sitting at the computer trying to get something out of my day.

“Mommy,” she calls.

“Rebecca, mommy is working.”

“Can you read me one more story?”

“Yeah, but that’s it,” I agree and stop to read one more story.

I’m back at the computer and she calls, “MOM!!”

“What do you want now?” I say, hearing the harshness in my own voice.

“I can’t find my blanket.” I take a deep breath and locate the security blanket. I sit at the computer, only to be called back.

“Rebecca, that’s enough. It’s time to settle down.” I’m out of patience and it shows. There is a silence and then a small voice.

“I love you,” he tells me, taking my breath away.

“I love you too,” I reply softly. The exhaustion she feels suddenly goes unnoticed, and the battles of the day are forgotten. This era and its struggles will be lost in a heartbeat and I know it, because I am also the mother of a teenager. “How about one more story?” I ask.