“I never learn from my mistakes.” A sad truth is that this article will explain why we continually make the same mistakes over and over again.
In fact, we learn from our mistakes, but we learn bad habits. In each event, we are accumulating knowledge of a process; action, reaction and result. This is exactly the same thing that we have been doing since we were born. An action leads to a reaction that leads to a result and the whole process is stored in memory. When a similar action happens again, we automatically search our memory for an appropriate reaction that we think we should have, based on a previous event. This will produce a result and that result will be stored in memory.
The problem is that all we are doing is accumulating information about if something happens, how I reacted and what was the result. It does not teach us how to react to obtain a different result.
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing and expecting a different result.
If I ask him what 2 plus 2 is, he goes through the mechanical process of counting one and one and one and one and gets four. No, you think very quickly that 2 plus 2 is 4, because you already know that answer. This is a very useful skill for saving time and is good in many situations, but not for finding love and learning from the mistakes of past relationships.
To find that perfect relationship that lasts without fights and pain, we must learn why we make these mistakes.
Our problem lies in desire. We want certain things, which means that we require a certain outcome for all situations. It is extremely rare that we meet a new person and are completely open to him, whatever it is, as fate or circumstances dictate, rather than how you want it to be.
In our relationships, we often have arguments and we get angry with another person because even though Jack told Jill about his situation, Jill did not want to hear it because it did not fit her wishes. This is the cause of most conflicts, most fights, most disagreements.
He was given information verbally or subtly, with hints that his intuition was capable of interpreting and preparing for if he was in a completely objective state and was listening to what the other person was really trying to say. But you didn’t listen to it because it didn’t fit your plans. Often times, a person cannot properly formulate or verbalize his thoughts, but if he is attentive and open enough, he can see what he is trying to express. Sometimes they just don’t have the courage to say it.
This applies very well to new relationships when the fear of being alone comes in. How many characteristics do we close our eyes to when we meet a new person because we want the relationship to work for various reasons?
If you close your eyes and walk into a room, you have no right to curse the furniture when you stub your toe. Even moving the furniture around doesn’t help because the next time you enter the room, if you still close your eyes, you will hit the furniture again. The fault is not in the furniture, the room or the lack of light, they are all parts of the mind.
We repeat our mistakes and never learn because we do not know the correct way to react to a situation. Every situation is different. It would be impossible for anyone to know the correct reaction to every possible event. If someone gives you a guide or list of; “If this happens, do that” is setting you up for disaster.
What if a bomb disposal instruction is said? “He cut the blue wire before the red one,” but did the guy who made the bomb mix the wires?
Rather, the solution lies in developing a completely objective mind that is open without placing your desires in your own thoughts so strongly that it stifles your common sense and your ability to interpret the clear signs.
Once you have developed the ability to be objective and allow all things to happen freely, you will not need to control things or try to alter things according to your wishes. You will have developed the ability to be prepared for all events before they happen because, in addition to being objective, that ability provides flexibility and adaptability so that you can adapt to all situations with total equanimity.
You will no longer need to force things against your nature, because that is only a temporary change. Eventually, nature will take its own course, and that’s the moment when it slaps you.
In this way you will be able to adapt to all situations, prepare in advance for most difficulties and events and you will be in the perfect place to get the most benefit and live with the greatest ease in all situations and, finally, I have learned from your mistakes. Not the event, but the way to deal with the events in your own mind.
EXERCISE
To become objective you must realize and accept how subjective you are and then change it. The solution to each problem can be found in accepting the objective reality of the situation. That is all. Once you have that, you will have achieved equanimity and can be the owner of your own heart and mind, which means that you will no longer be afraid to open your heart and feel the love that we all desire.
Stop putting your wishes, ideas and concepts on other people. Listen to them instead.