I recently witnessed a scene in a shopping mall parking lot that had a lasting effect on me: it was two middle-aged women arguing over a parking spot. They were both standing next to their cars and yelling at each other while waving their arms threateningly. The argument eventually turned into a name-calling competition, in which each tried to outdo the other. The sad thing was that the store was not occupied and there were many empty spaces available. Their discussion became so heated that other buyers began stopping to watch the show. Meanwhile, the women’s children sat in their cars and watched the entire scene. How proud those children must be!
The fact is, everyone gets angry. Whether it’s a family member, a co-worker, or the stranger who took our parking spot, we all get angry. The problem with getting angry is that there is a small chance that you will be able to solve the problem, but a much greater chance that you will create new ones.
Anger is really that we lose control and when we lose control bad things usually happen. At home it can mean a damaged relationship, in public it can mean a confrontation with a stranger, and at work it can mean being fired or skipped for a promotion. Samaria Maxamus said, “Anger itself does more harm than the condition that caused it.” If you can’t remember that, try: Anger is just one letter from danger!
Let’s be honest here, just like the two women in the parking lot, most of us can look and act pretty silly when we’re angry, usually saying and doing things that we’ll later regret. Getting angry is a lot like being drunk, the intoxicated person is the only one who does not realize that he has a problem.
What makes anger so dangerous is that it can happen so quickly that we have lost control before we even know it. The only way to minimize the damage is to regain control.
Before we can begin to decrease our anger, we first need to understand what causes anger. In reality, there is only one reason we get angry and that is because someone did not act the way we wanted them to. Interesting, right? Anger is not an action, but how we respond to someone else’s action. Getting angry is letting someone else control you.
When was the last time something good came out of your anger? Benjamin Franklin said, “Anything that begins with anger ends in shame.” The next time you get angry, try taking a moment to ask yourself these questions: Is this argument worth winning to ruin the relationship? How important will this be in a year? Within a month? A day or even an hour from now?
The moment you regain control, you will lose your anger. Don’t let someone else control how you feel.
Who really suffers when you get angry? The Buddha said, “Holding on to anger is like holding on to a red-hot coal, you are the only one who is going to burn.”
Why is it that when we hurt ourselves physically we learn not to do it again, but when we get hurt emotionally we repeat the same action over and over again? Nobody benefits from anger.
The best way to end an argument is to bite your tongue. That is not admitting guilt, it is controlling anger. Get back in control. Also, even if you win the argument, you still can’t enjoy the present if you are angry about the past.