The following are suggestions for the client involved in a contested divorce case, a motion to modify, or a paternity case in which custody or temporary custody is or may be in question. Also, remember that there may be a request for change of custody or temporary custody in the future and therefore the following suggestions should always be considered.

These suggestions are made for the present and future benefit of your children, and your goal as a parent should always be to improve children’s lives and better meet their needs.

Remember: everything you do or don’t do as a parent affects your children and their future.

1. Exercise your custody rights to the fullest, but always be flexible to accommodate special circumstances related to the children or the other parent. Try to determine the real needs of your children and really listen to what they have to say, and just as importantly, what they don’t say. Don’t try to be a private investigator, and don’t talk down to or belittle the other parent or stepparent, or anyone else important in your children’s lives. Enjoy the time you spend with the children and let them enjoy you and the time they spend with you.

2. Periodically keep a diary or agenda of facts to remember and be able to point out dates, witnesses, facts, etc., pertaining to significant events and children’s problems. Keep this diary in a safe place where it is not accessible to children. Don’t let the kids know you’re keeping this diary.

3. Learn to be a better parent. Start by selecting from the bookstore or library one or two books on child care, parenting, and parenting that are written for parents of children your child’s age or any special needs they may have (for example, being the child of a divorce or having an absent parent suddenly reappeared). If you are considering joint custody or if the other party requests joint custody, read some of the books available on the subject. Knowledge is power and will help you make the best decisions for you and your children.

4. Get involved in all of your children’s activities, including school, sports, scouting, counseling, medical and dental care. Meet the people who teach your children, run their extracurricular activities, and care for them. Generate and maintain genuine interest in these areas. Maintain communication with the other parent about these issues. If you feel left out, take steps to remedy the problem. Go to the school, try to get information from the other parent and document those requests by sending letters or emails and keep copies for your files. Don’t question the children. If you can’t get the information you’re looking for, talk to your attorney about your options.

5. Attend activities at the church or temple of your choice. Actively participate in the affairs and social activities of your church or temple. Know and be known by those who actively participate. Take the children with you to these activities and involve them whenever possible.

6. Develop a plan that shows how you would provide care, love, and guidance and how you would meet the other needs of your children if you are awarded custody. If you have custody and are involved in a Motion to Modify, you can talk about how to do it now. Examples: where the children would live, their daily routine, who would care for them when they are not in school and when you are not physically present; educational and religious plans; what visitation and custody plans you would make for the other parent (be liberal in your thinking and planning for him); what escrow agreement you ultimately want. Develop a feasible, reasonable and logical daily routine for the care of your children and be able to point out how your plan, care and attention to the needs of the children is better than the existing one and how it will be better for the children in the future.

7. Make a list of relatives, close friends, and neighbors who have helped or will actively help you meet the needs of the children. Make a list of these people and involve them with you and the children. Get your kids to meet these people and build a meaningful relationship between these people, the kids, and you.

8. Make sure the physical facilities in your home are totally child-friendly. Try to get out of yourself and see the situation from a neutral point of view. Look at it with a critical eye so you can see where improvements and changes are needed and carry them out. A clean and well-organized home is necessary. Children must have adequate housing, food and care, attention, love, supervision and discipline 24 hours a day. You will need to show that the surroundings of your home are or will be beneficial to children. If you have a preschool-age child, consider contacting your local school’s “Parents as Teachers” programs. It’s free for everyone, and they are an excellent source of information and guidance.

9. If you are going to require day care for your children, investigate various alternatives that suit your particular circumstances. You should be able to discuss the strengths and weaknesses of each option, taking into account location, hours, level of care, reputation in the community, and of course cost. Be realistic about what you and the other parent can afford. The State of Missouri has a “Family Care Security Registry” which can be accessed by calling toll-free 1-866-422-6872 or http://www.dhss.mo.gov/FCSR/. BJC offers a free brochure with tips on choosing quality child care that can be obtained by calling 314-454-KIDS or visiting http://www.bjc.org.

10. Develop common interests with your children and stay involved with those that already exist. Be a part, share and enjoy their world with them. Don’t forget about birthdays, Christmas, parent-child events at school or church, and other special occasions that mean a lot to children. In addition to gifts, you must give of yourself. Be an active parent, interested in your schoolwork, activities outside of school, your sports, clubs, organizations, friends, and your plans for the future.

11. Research the schools your children attend or would attend if they lived with you. Learn about and become familiar with bus or other transportation services, school hours, before and after school care, extracurricular activities, etc., and have a good working knowledge of this important area of ​​your child’s development. By law, each public school is required to produce a “school report card” with basic statistics about the school. Call the schools in your area and in the area where the other parent lives and get copies of these documents. Please read them carefully and talk to school staff if there is anything you do not understand.

12. Get friends, relatives, neighbors, bosses, co-workers, and church members who are willing to testify in court about their behavior patterns, reputation, responsibility, interaction and relationship with children, and general fitness as a parent. You will need to discuss this frankly with each of these people. Please provide us with your names, addresses and phone numbers and a brief statement about what you are able and willing to testify at the actual trial of your case. Let us know if you don’t want us to call them without talking to you first.

13. You must honestly prepare a statement of constructive criticism of yourself and your spouse or ex-spouse, stepparents, or significant others in the role of stepparent, such as parents. Be fair and accurate, and state the facts and circumstances that can be proven or about which proof should be obtained. This statement explains why a change of custody is necessary or why you should retain custody. It must be detailed, and you must send it to us as soon as possible. Remember that it is a sign that you are a good parent that you can admit that there are ways you can improve as a parent.

14. Do not allow unrelated members of the opposite sex to stay overnight with you when children are present. The court may consider this to be a negative factor in determining custody.

15. Have, maintain, and display a healthy and open attitude toward visitation and custody of the other parent. Children need the love of both parents, and your own attitude in this regard is important to children and will be given some importance by the court. The greatest gift you can give your children as they grow up without both parents in the same home is the ability to love the other parent.

16. Your own emotional and physical health are important factors that will be considered by the court. It is important that you are calm and in full control at all times and that you can demonstrate your maturity, responsibility and self-management. Remember that actions speak louder than words and that there is no excuse for disrespecting the other parent in front of the children or for discussing adult issues such as why you and the other parent are not together or financial arrangements between the parents. for child support even if they ask for it or even if they have inaccurate information. Just tell the children that both parents love them and will take care of them and that any problems they have are between adults and they will not be discussed. If this is an issue in your situation, talk to your attorney about your options.

17. It is important that you be able to discuss in some detail your strengths and weaknesses as a parent and the strengths and weaknesses of your spouse or former spouse as a parent, as well as those of any stepparents or partners. Remember, if your spouse did not have significant good points and strengths, you would not have had children with him or her. Similarly, you should be able to discuss your children’s strengths and weaknesses in some detail. It is a positive attribute of a father to be able to recognize both the positive and the negative in his children, in himself and in others.