Those crazy soccer rules

As we wait a couple of weeks before the Super Bowl, we can talk about how Pittsburgh and Seattle taught everyone else how to play football.

look March madness? The team that ends up with the trophy is the one with the stamina. A few years ago, Utah was in the end game. They disappeared before the end of the first half to my utter disappointment after spending 8 years of my life at the University of Utah.

March madness, Of course it’s basketball. Soccer is the toughest game that would have been explained and described by Charles Darwin if it had been invented in his time. However, American football came from Rugby. That is the game where all the players have had their teeth pulled out but still love the game. Only the fittest survive.

I loved soccer when I was a kid. My mother wouldn’t let me put on my high school football uniform with all the padding, helmet and other protective devices. So those of us who didn’t play went to the church grounds and played on the grass without uniforms with the security team. Our season ended when everyone’s knees had turned to mush from playing tackle (without knee pads) instead of playing football.

In Korea we play board soccer without protective gear. We could only do this when we were back on reserve. We played as hard as we could. If we broke a leg or an arm enough, the worst that could happen to us would be to be sent home. We couldn’t play soccer on the line. We would have rolled down the mountain. (Also, we had to repair phone lines during the day, which blew up again every night. The lines were needed to call in mortar fire at night on the mortar concentrations we established during the day.)

No one got even the slightest scratch at one of our football games. Our season would always end with the CO saying, “No more football. They’re going to kill you.” (Every one of us had heard that from the Regimental Commander when we joined the unit. He always said, “Half of you won’t go home, you won’t live anyway.” Fortunately, I was wrong. Our Regiment lost around of 1,000 soldiers plus a large number of ROK soldiers who served in our units during the three years of the Korean War. When I was there, the losses were lower than before I arrived and after I left).

The above is called by football commentators a side light. I don’t like sob stories on the sidelines (or human interest stories) while watching football on TV any more than you liked the above sidelight.

Anyway, my wife has dedicated herself to soccer. After resisting for 70 years she finally gave in. She can’t believe that she now likes soccer. What I mean is that she hasn’t put on the costume yet. She likes to watch it on TV. Therefore, now we talk about the game.

I’m usually reading a book or doing a logic puzzle during the game, but she gives it her full attention and gives me a constant stream of chatter that really gets me interested in the game.

Today he asked me about the sanctions and how they are applied. The penalty I was talking about was when Seattle had Carolina at the one yard line. It was a 5-yard procedural penalty. That meant the ball would be placed half the distance from the goal. I said, “I think it should be an automatic safety. The ball should be placed in the less 4 yard line. Now I know the refs probably haven’t had algebra, so they should call it security.

My wife wanted to know more. I said, let’s say you’re at your opponent’s 16-yard line and they get a 15-yard penalty. The ball would be placed at the 1-yard line. Now suppose he is at the 14-yard line under the same circumstances. The ball would be placed at half the distance of the goal and you would receive it at the 7.5-yard line.

Stupid, right? (If I said the ball should be placed on the minus 1-yard line, everyone would complain, “That’s no way to get a touchdown!”)

This is what should happen in the second instance. The ball is put on the 1-yard line and then halfway to the goal. You should be at the ½ yard line. They should give you as many penalty yards as possible and then half the distance to goal of what’s left. That will always put you on the 1/2 yard line where you belong.

I would also like to see the fumble rules put back where they belong. The ground can’t keep coming up and taking the ball out of the player’s hands like that and getting away with it.

Well, I have to go feed my horse.