A asked me, based on a friend’s experience as a psychologist who watches people develop personally and interpersonally, what I think are the three most positive life-changing lessons for helping people enjoy life. Wow, narrow it down to three! Here are some concepts I can safely say change people for the better if they really understand them on an emotional level (not just going through the motions, although “fake it till you make it” helps in the meantime). The first 2 are for you and relate to yourself and your life, and the last one is for relationships, which we all know play a huge role in how we feel and how much we enjoy each day.

1. What we resist persists. We cannot control our feelings. We can only choose to avoid them. Some people call this “rising above them,” but usually, with a little push, the sensation is just below the surface, draining your energy. The only way I have seen to effectively alleviate painful emotions is to embrace and move past them. The more you can make space to fully feel something, in fact, the more the feeling can be transformed and released. This idea is counterintuitive to many of my clients, especially when society tells us to be strong and many parents tell their children to “get over” their feelings or grow up. Repressing or saying “no” to an experience that comes to you is, in my opinion, asking for more of that feeling for a longer period of time, and sometimes even leads to physical illness.

Many of us keep our sail up until we are pushed into rough water and then we decide we don’t like it so we lower our sails. That is the worst moment to decide that you want to resist what life has brought you because a ship without sails is going nowhere and therefore is stuck in troubled waters! Hoist the sail again and you can make a little more progress that way, but you’ll turn around and go back to peace faster. So say “yes” to your feelings and let them be as big as they really are. That doesn’t mean acting (if you feel like yelling at a friend, you don’t act on it, but you accept and care about the experience of WANTING to yell instead of resisting or ignoring it).

2. Love yourself. This one is painfully obvious, but very difficult for most people. One of my happiest days as a parent was a few months ago when my 2-year-old daughter said, “Mommy…I love you. I love you and I love myself.” I had such a positive reaction when she said that she loved herself that she has said it at least 10 times since, with a big smile on her face. She knows I like to hear that. Because? Loving yourself is not only the key to your own happiness, but also to your beautiful treatment of others and tolerance towards them as well. Loving yourself will not make you arrogant; instead, it eliminates the need to be better than others because you have the confidence that you are intrinsically valuable and always loved.

Many wonder how to learn to love themselves and, it must be admitted, it is not easy. A good therapist, friend, or lover who consistently reflects your beauty is a good way to start. If you have such a person, focus on receiving from them as deeply as you can; really capture how they see you and let it sink into your core, into your cells, into your whole heart. You will find places that resist, reject love and feel very uncomfortable or restless. Go ahead and let those places give up. don’t hold back The injuries and parts of you that have negative beliefs about yourself will have to die to receive love and restructure around it, so learning through this deep reception requires actively tolerating discomfort and trying to open up more than what you think possible.

It is also possible to teach yourself without the help of another person. If you have ever loved someone or something, get in touch with that loving feeling and then direct it towards yourself. It can help to see yourself as a little child so that your inherent innocence and sweetness is even more apparent. In the child version of yourself, you may also be able to see the deep need for love and dependency on others without feeling ashamed of it. We are, of course, naturally dependent creatures. People are often embarrassed to cover it up, but the people need the people. Once you love yourself, you’ll find the right people to depend on, people you don’t feel guilty about needing and who you can trust to be there. Ideally, we have “diffuse dependency,” where we distribute our dependency needs among many loved ones so that no one person feels full responsibility for meeting our needs. Practice visualizing yourself at whatever age inspires the greatest compassion, and try to deliver that love directly into that person’s heart, which is your own heart.

These first two concepts combine to create healing. When you don’t resist your experiences or feelings, but instead embrace them, loving yourself is easier. Put your feelings in touch with love and you will get healing. Even anger or sadism are feelings you can say to yourself, “Awwwwww… honey,” because they were born out of pain and will be eased by acceptance and compassion.

3. Only one person goes crazy at a time. In relationships, especially romantic ones, it’s important that only one person “flips out” at a time. I learned this from Dr. Jev Sikes. I like this term because I believe it to be true: when we have strong feelings about our childhood problems, we are not rational or technically sane, no matter how much we pretend to be and believe what our problems tell us. Even those with the healthiest of backgrounds have crazy areas. You may fear abandonment, for example. If this problem is triggered, you will feel like your partner is abandoning you no matter what the truth is. Unfortunately, your belief that you will be abandoned may lead you to act in a way that causes just that. So, in this example, you would act in a way that would distance the partner or make him/her want to leave you (perhaps through her anger, her attachment, irrational/unfair evaluations of him/her, etc.).

However, it helps if each partner in a romantic relationship understands the other’s problems and therefore cannot take them so seriously. Instead, give love and compassion to the people you care about when they kick in, and don’t try to reason with someone who’s crazy right now! Crazy issues are meant to attract the other person and cause them to act in the expected way (leaving you, in the example we’ve been using). So it takes great willpower to give love and not react with your own corresponding crazy issue (feeling misjudged or never good enough can be triggered by someone’s abandonment issues, for example). The key is that one person’s crazy feelings and behavior don’t trigger the other person’s (which will naturally happen without active resistance).

Only one person can act crazy at a time and the other person must remain in a caretaker role rather than get dragged into an argument or corresponding madness. If couples learn to avoid this dynamic of going crazy together, they will avoid many fights and can actually heal each other’s problems by giving each other love at key moments instead of reacting in ways that reinforce their partner’s fears. Remember, too, that you can be “right or in a relationship.” Choose to focus on feelings and care about the feelings of others instead of fighting over logistics (who is right/facts etc) which often don’t matter or if they do need to be discussed at a less emotional time.

Good luck! We talk a lot more about the healing process from different perspectives on our website http://www.deepeddypsychotherapy.com. I also wrote a book, listed there, on relationship healing. I wish everyone the love for themselves that grows every day and the ability to give oneself on this beautiful path of life, including its pains. As you grow in self-love, I hope you find a greater tolerance for the sensitive (or crazy!) areas of your loved ones where they have been hurt in the past, and that you can also give them the love they need to heal.