I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been asked some variation of this question. Wives want to know if their husbands feel any guilt or shame for cheating on them, or if he’s just sorry because he got caught and now he has to deal with the consequences. They want to know if he hesitated when he decided to cheat or if he was so excited by the prospect of something exciting and forbidden that he never thought about his wife, at least until much later.
In short, wives wish they could be given a pass inside their husband’s mind so they could understand his very questionable thought process when he chose to make this most painful and unfortunate mistake. And they want to know where her head and her commitment is now that the thing is over, and if they can believe that her heart and her commitment are still with them, so they don’t have to worry about reliving this at some point. in the future.
The truth is that a man’s thought process during an affair can be as different as the men themselves. However, with that said, I hear from many men who are trying to make it up to their wives. Sometimes they share their thought processes with me, and I have been through this myself. So, I’m looking at it from two different sides of the corner. Yes, it is very likely that there are men who feel little or no remorse. But these are not the men I hear about because they are generally not the men who are trying to get their marriages back on track. In the following article, I will share with you how men describe their feelings during and after an affair.
How men feel during an affair: Again, these feelings vary depending on the man experiencing them. But, most of the men I hear from describe themselves as “not thinking” while the affair was going on. Some of the phrases I hear to describe this are things like, “I really don’t know what I was thinking. I was living in slow motion and didn’t really stop to think about what was going on. I just don’t want to go there in my own mind.” “.
Some men describe very strong feelings of guilt and shame during the affair. Sometimes I hear things like “I went home, closed the door and cried.” Or “My hands were shaking so badly on the wheel on the way home that I was afraid of having an accident.” Or, “The guilt was killing me. I couldn’t even look my wife in the eye. I was always certain that she knew something was up or that I was lying or that she had done something very wrong.”
And some men who feel these feelings will use them as a catalyst to end the relationship very abruptly. Typically, these are the men who admit the deception to themselves and sincerely seek forgiveness with a genuine apology and sorrow.
Sometimes you will find men who, although they feel guilty and ashamed, these feelings actually drive them to continue the relationship. They see the other person as a release or pause in any negative feelings or doubts that were going on in their lives. So even though they know what they’re doing is terribly wrong, they may tell themselves they’re going to break up “very soon,” but they’re seeking the release that the relationship fleetingly brings (this escape usually doesn’t last long). )
From time to time, men tell me that they really thought they were getting a positive reward from the affair or that they had genuine feelings for the other woman. They will say they felt “fun” or “free” or “alive.” These feelings are usually short-lived, and the men then realize how silly and untrue this whole thing was. Eventually, they realize that nothing apart from themselves and dealing with their own problems provides them with the outlet or boost they’ve been looking for.
In short, a man’s feelings may be at risk when he cheats on his wife. But I do find that most men feel some pain, conflict, or guilt while doing it. Some are able to ignore these feelings or at least calm them down momentarily. And some can’t stand the feelings and will confess everything. Some will try to justify their actions in order to continue, but most know, at least deep down, that what they are doing is wrong.
How men feel after having an affair: Like I said, I very rarely hear of those repeat cheaters who are brazen enough to justify their cheating or who have no remorse. I almost always hear from men seeking advice on how to save their marriages after cheating on their wives. And no doubt, these men are truly sorry. Yes, they are absolutely sorry that they got caught and that you know what they did and that you are deeply hurt. Many tell me they would give absolutely anything to turn back the clock and get all of this back.
And many of them understand why you are angry. They know they’d have a hard time if the roles were reversed, but they don’t know how to sound sincere without sounding like they’re acting. I often hear phrases like “she doesn’t believe anything I say and I can’t blame her for that. But I’ll keep trying to make it up to her for the rest of my life. If she’d just give me a chance, I’ll do everything in my power to make it up to her.” do this right.”
Of course, the great irony in all of this is that many wives will turn around and say “well, he didn’t love me that much when he cheated on me, did he?” And they have all the reason. There isn’t much he can say in response to this. He will often try again with claims that he wasn’t thinking or that he was dealing with a personal crisis, but none of this really works.
I often tell couples that it’s the actions that matter, not the words. The marriage was damaged by the actions of the husband and now, if the marriage is to be repaired, it must be repaired by the actions of the husband. Over time, he has to prove to his wife that he is repentant, rehabilitated, and worthy of her trust and company.
